Colossal Mistakes: The Dire Wolf, Cryogenic Heads, and the Dystopia Nobody Ordered

When biotech, billionaires, and bad ideas collide, the result is a resurrection, a rebooted younger trump, and the end of natural selection as we know it.

A biotech company has created its first product. No, not a pill. Not a new kind of therapy. Not a fancy new skin cream made from capybara DNA and the concentrated tears of Gwyneth Paltrow’s vagina. No, this company, Colossal Biosciences, went a different direction.

They brought back the dire wolf.

Let that sink in. An extinct apex predator, reassembled in a lab and revived using fragments of ancient DNA, some modern wolf edits, and presumably a group of scientists who watched Jurassic Park and thought, “God, Jeff Goldblum is so stupid,”

They dress it up as de-extinction and progress. They call the resulting creature a product. And that, right there, is the part that sent shivers through my core.

If something is a product, it has a price. If it has a price, it has a buyer. If it has a buyer, it has a purpose. And if this has a purpose? It probably ain’t good for the rest of us. So now we have to ask: who are these formerly extinct apex predator pups for?

The answer is practically staring us in the face, frozen in a lab, waiting a few lifetimes for a moment like this. (Damn you Kelly Clarkson!)

Cryogenics.

I’m sure you’ve heard of it, but if you haven’t, it’s a scam that offered to freeze your head, or your whole body, on the promise that one day you could come back, cured of all illness and rejuvenated with the technology of the new age. A future they said would be kinder, smarter, and more humane.

Well, they were half right. The future is here, and the implications are pure nightmare fuel.

Now unfreezing a billionaire’s brain and slapping it into a vat-grown, lab-customized body doesn’t sound like a hilarious sci-fi scam on the rich anymore, it sounds like yesterday. It almost sounds like you could bring someone back from the dead.

And if you can do that… then you can put trump’s head on a younger body. Gone would be the wheezing, golf-cart version we’ve all known and loved to hate. Instead, picture this: trump’s head, cryogenically thawed, fused onto his own brand new body, conveniently aged to 35 and transformed in a lab by scientists into that of a shirtless TikTok influencer with washboard abs and a gold-plated exoskeleton, just like the ridiculous fan art you’ve laughed at hundreds of times. We’re talking about Trump 2.0: a younger, fitter, faster model, with the same dummy head. The MAGA Messiah with bioengineered biceps and eternal campaign stamina, ready to ramble and rage day and night, even while recharging.

He never dies, he simply upgrades anywhere at anytime via Elon Musk’s brain chip and space Wi-Fi. Oh don’t worry, it’s totally safe and secure! It’ll be backed by Broyalty, the Billionaire Administration’s gold standard for trust! Our friends are afraid of us and our enemies are now our friends, who could hurt us?

And he won’t be alone. Imagine a boardroom of cryogenically thawed CEOs of times past, dead-eyed and reanimated billionaires in synthetic bodies, preserved egos piloting custom-built avatars and ready to thrive in a political environment custom built for their success. A world where death is only for the poor. Where extinction is a licensing opportunity. Where species return to life, not for nature, not for balance, but for branding. And maybe an exclusive $169 Extinct Deluxe Burger from Muskland!

You thought immigrants, automation, and AI were gonna take your job? Wait until an army of balding 22-year-old clones of Elon take it DOGEy style. Damn Lucas, you really did try to warn us, didn’t you?

The future isn’t a technological utopia for you, it’s a reboot for them. And like any reboot, it’s dumber, louder, and doesn’t care if you love or hate it, because it ain’t for you anyway.

This is what happens when you hand the keys of creation to venture capitalists. When you chain science to marketability. When the only thing more eternal than death is profit, capitalism starts selling itself off, piece by piece, just to have something to eat.

Colossal Biosciences didn’t just resurrect the dire wolf, it resurrected the oldest myth in the world: That we can and should create and own life.

Looks like we’re all gonna face the consequences